


Contradicitons

by Rag



Category: Dream Daddy: A Dad Dating Simulator
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Cheating, F/M, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Mental Anguish, Mental Health Issues, Passive-aggression, Past Abuse, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-03
Updated: 2017-08-03
Packaged: 2018-12-10 13:53:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11693022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rag/pseuds/Rag
Summary: Todd could fix things. Todd could make things better. Joseph tries not to think about it, but that just makes the thoughts stronger. Run away from it all, run off with him instead, never have to address the whole Mary issue, which is festering and boiling under years of caked-on bandages too crusted to remove without pulling up skin with it. Run off with Todd instead. Let Todd fill those gaps in his spirit.(dadsona is todd)joseph/mary centric





	Contradicitons

**Author's Note:**

> fart noise
> 
> tw for some really homophobic language in some internal thoughts towards the end

Todd Smythe is everything that Joseph Christiansen has ever wanted. That’s what Joseph realizes the day after the bake sale. He’d been so charmed by him at the barbecue, and charmed by him in his house, as awkward as their first meeting was. He’d taken a chance with his jokey re-try of their introduction, and Todd had taken it with style. And then texted him to meet up. And spent time with his kids.

Todd got along with his kid. Todd got along with his wife, too, before she died. Todd got along with Joseph’s kids. Todd gets along with everyone, effortlessly, because he’s just… perfect is too strong a word, and Joseph knows that, but it feels like the truest thing to his heart.

Relations with Mary become strained again, as they’re wont to do. She gets in these moods, sometimes, for a few weeks on end, where she refuses to talk to him except to argue.

It’s fine. That’s fine. She’ll get over it. She’ll get over it, and in the meantime, Joseph has his parish and his friends, and Todd.

Just thoughts of Todd, he tells himself he won’t go any farther than that.

The days turn into weeks, and Mary still refuses to talk to him. He knows how she is. She can starve him out for months.

(Because you’re not exactly trying to fix things. Because she knows about Todd, she can read you like an open book, and you can deny it all you want but she knows and you know she knows. But you know she won’t admit it until you reach a breaking point, and you have more fun than you’ve had in years when you spend time with Robert so. Maybe you just don’t bother trying to fix things with Mary.

“Have fun your shiny new toy, Joseph. I’ll be here when you get bored.”)

The days turn into weeks, and Joseph’s thoughts about Todd get more intense. Here’s someone who could fix things. Here’s someone who doesn’t let uncomfortable disagreements linger in the air without addressing them. Todd is everything that Joseph isn’t. Todd is amazing. Todd is smart and clever and blunt and openly bisexual. Todd is incredibly hot and Todd stares at Joseph’s lips when he thinks Joseph is looking away. Because Todd feels it, too. There’s real heat between them. There’s a real connection. He felt it palpably in the Margarita Zone, and it sparkled every time they talked afterwards.

Todd could fix things. Todd could make things better. Joseph tries not to think about it, but that just makes the thoughts stronger. Run away from it all, run off with him instead, never have to address the whole Mary issue, which is festering and boiling under years of caked-on bandages too crusted to remove without pulling up skin with it. Run off with Todd instead. Let Todd fill those gaps in his spirit.

Joseph comes home that night smiling, really smiling, for what feels like the first time in weeks. The kids are asleep, and Mary is nursing a half-empty wine glass as she watches some trashy paranormal reality TV show with a vacant look in her eyes. She glares at him when she sees him come in.

“Well, don’t you look happy.”

 “I had a good day. The youth mixer went incredibly well.”

“How’s Todd?” she says, cutting straight through his thin layer of shit.

Joseph swallows.

“He’s really starting to integrate into the community.”

She glares at him and turns the volume on her show up a few notches.

Joseph gets annoyed. Which is stupid, and he knows from experience that he should stop now before he digs himself a hole. But he doesn’t.

“I mean, he was there. Is that what you wanted to know?”

“I _know_ he was there, Joe.”

“Then what? What are you getting at?”

She rolls her eyes.

“Do we have to say it every time?”

“Say what?”

“Really? You fascinate me.”

“We haven’t done anything, Mary. He’s a friend.”

“Mm-hmm.”

“Am I not allowed to have friends? Do I have to save that for your bitter ass to do absolutely nothing with, too?”

She laughs.

“That’s the spirit, Joseph. Better. Give me something to work with, please.”

“Mary-“

“But, really, don’t waste my time. Are you gonna leave me for him? Is it real this time?

“I never said I was- We aren’t- We haven’t-“

Mary shuts the TV off and sets down her glass. She tries to keep her face blank, but Joseph knows her. He sees that she’s hurt, and closing off even further. Because of him.

“I’m too tired for this. Good night, Joseph. And don’t try to sleep in my bed.”

-

So Joseph spends the night on his yacht.

And he wonders if maybe he should go for it with Todd. There’s nothing left with Mary, and there’s everything left with Todd. If his relationship to Mary is a dried up husk, then Todd is a seed planted in rich soil in the spring. He listens to the sound of the waves splashing up against his boat and misses the soft sounds of Mary’s breaths and the leaves of the poplar trees hitting the house’s siding with the wind. But that’s gone now, because he’s chosen Todd instead. He did, he chose Todd. Mary just sped things along with this, but he would have come to this conclusion anyways, he’s sure of it. Todd can fix all the stupid shit in his life. Todd will be warm and loving and will let him be free to be himself. Maybe Todd would even be open to polyamory. Maybe Todd is exactly what Joseph has always needed.

Joseph plans, and he executes his plan. He unplugs his radio and hopes that Todd doesn’t know enough about radios to call him on it. He checks his stock of condoms and lube. He makes his bed, then unmakes it. This can’t look too planned, that would turn him off. And he doesn’t want to have gotten this far just to turn him off.

(this far? You barely know the man. But, no, it’s fine, there’s a real connection there. Love at first sight, you’re convinced.)

And for the first night in months, someone responds to his touch with something more than disgust. Something more like longing and passion and yearning. He’s wanted. Todd wants him.

(Is that all he wants from Todd? A quick fuck? No. He wants him all, body and soul. He wants to consume him. He wants to become him. God will forgive this. It’s love. This is love. God wouldn’t be so cruel as to give him this attraction, and place this perfect man right into his lap, just as a test for him to overcome. God wouldn’t do that to one of his flock.)

Humans were made to fit together like this. Bodies were made to give and receive this kind of pleasure and enjoy this kind of warmth. Men or women, God didn’t really care about that kind of thing. Joseph had read more than enough explanations of the context of the passages. Translations upon translations made a grey issue much more black and white than God intended. The general people were slow to accept it because they wanted someone to hate.

(The general people are your parish. Your parish wants to hate you. Your parish would eat you alive if they knew. And all your rationale about why it’s okay to fuck men doesn’t change the fact that you’re breaking the sacred vows of marriage to do it.)

As he falls asleep, spent and naked next to him, he thinks about how they could just take this boat and drive away. He has enough gas – tucked away in a safe section of the ship, what responsible boatman would travel on the open water without gas? – to get them to some other state, at least. They could run away. He wouldn’t have to file the paperwork.

(Your kids. Your kids. You can’t, they’re there, you love them, you can’t – but this fantasy, can’t you just have this? Imagine it, just packing up and going to Mexico, leaving it all behind for a few weeks, in a fantasy, where you could see them all again just fine afterwards, where the courts wouldn’t cite it as reasonable cause to take them away from you forever.)

He stays awake through the night, listening to Todd’s peaceful breaths and watching his chest rise and fall. He could file for a divorce. Split custody. He would take them on, he would be more than happy to take them on, but he wouldn’t get them. He could settle for split custody. And then he would live with Todd.

(And run a church? Living with a man? After divorcing your wife for a man? Who are you kidding? They’ll see you for exactly what you are and they’ll tear you limb from limb.)

He could live with Todd. And they could have this, every night, whenever they wanted. Love, yearning, attraction and desire, instead of coldness and rejection and ceaseless bickering and resentment. Trapped. With Mary, he’s trapped. With Todd, he’s free.

He almost convinces himself of half of it by the time he comes home.

He walks in the door. Mary’s waiting on the couch, nursing a tumbler of whiskey. It’s early in the morning, the sun has barely started to rise. Too early to be drinking. It’s not lost on him what she’s drinking, and it’s not lost on him what she communicates with it.

Fucking Mary. Doesn’t have to say a single word to deliver a passive aggressive barb straight into him.

“Have fun with Todd?” she asks.

He takes a deep breath and readies an excuse. And he stops. Whatever he was going to say, whatever little peace-keeping gesture, he doesn’t have to say it. He doesn’t _have_ to do this anymore. He doesn’t have to put up with this.

“Yes,” he says instead.

Mary laughs and sips her drink, winces a little at the strength of it.

“Fuckin’ hell, where’d that spine come from? Didn’t think you had it in you anymore.”

“I want a divorce.”

She laughs again, sharper this time. That’s taken her by surprise, he can tell. “Oh, there it is. There it is.” She slams the tumbler on the coffee table sloppily, and a bit of whiskey splashes onto the faux-marble. Her eyes are a little unfocused when they look at him, but the exasperation is clear in them. “Do you, now? Is it real this time? Did you love him before or after you fucked, this time?”

Joseph doesn’t respond. The little voices in his head that he worked so hard to silence last night start to whisper.

The children. His parish. His family. His home, his life. Mary, even. Mary loves him, when she can stand him. You have to love someone to care this much about what they do. She still loves him. She loves him and he could have everything with her if he could just stop wanting something else.

“Yeah, didn’t think so. Can you at least stop being so fucking obvious about it? It’s blatantly apparent to anyone who pays any attention. You think the parish wants to know you fuck guys on the side? Keep it in yer fuckin’ pants, Jojo.” She’s rambling. She does this when she’s nervous.

“Mary, we’re in love. Todd and I are in love,” he says, but he’s already stopped believing it before it leaves his mouth.

Mary looks down and rubs her temples.

“When will it end?” she mumbles. “Every fucking time. Anyone but me, isn’t it?”

“Mary-“

“I’m not your fucking dad, Joseph. You can leave if you want to. Do you want to leave? Do you want to leave me for fucking _Todd Smythe?_ ”

(fucking idiot, you’re a fucking idiot, why did you ever do a single fucking thing)

Joseph looks Mary in the face and confronts everything he’d be leaving behind to chase this pipe dream with someone he realizes he barely knows.

Who the hell is Todd? He doesn’t know where Todd went to college. He doesn’t know whether or not Todd has ever found God. He doesn’t know what his favorite kind of soup is.

(excuses)

(make up your fucking mind, you pathetic piece of shit)

(you only want what you can’t have)

He doesn’t know the first thing about Todd.

“I’m sorry, Mary. No, you’re right, I love y-“

“Oh, can it. I can’t fucking hear this right now.”

She gets up and stumbles to away. Joseph tries to help her walk and she pushes him away. “Fuck off.”

“Mary, can we talk about it?”

“No.”

She could leave him. She’s not his dad. He can leave her at any point, and she can just as easily leave him. Leave him and take the kids with her. Just tell the judge that Joseph fucks men on the side, leaves for nights at a time to fuck men, multiple men, like a faggot whore. He tries to keep calm as he speaks, but he can’t keep the panic out of his voice or his thoughts. He has to make this right. Fuck Todd. Fuck Todd, he never should have fucked Todd, he never should have thought for a second that Todd was his ticket to happiness. That was delusional. It was pathetic and stupid and delusional.

“Mary, please. I’m so sorry. Please let me make it up to you.”

“Get the fuck off me.”

Joseph takes a step back. “Please can we talk about it tomorrow?”

She actually looks at him. Joseph is desperate enough that this feels like a victory.

“Tomorrow?” she asks. She looks away, annoyance clear on her face.

“I’ll call it off with Todd. I’ll text him right now if you want me to. I’ll never see him again. It was a mistake.”

She seems to consider this for a moment.

“We’ll talk tomorrow.”

She stumbles down the hall and into their (her) bedroom. She closes the door, but she doesn’t lock it.

When Joseph crawls into bed next to her, she doesn’t push him away, and it’s not just because she’s too drunk to bother. He holds her hand in his and she winds their fingers together.

“This is stupid,” she whispers, not turning to face him.

She’s taking him back. Fuck, she’s taking him back.

“I love you.”

“We should stop this. We really should.”

“Mary, I’m sorry. I’ll do better by you.”

“You know is’s true, we should end this. We make each other goddamned miserable.”

“We don’t have to. We can do better. We can change.”

Mary sighs deeply. She turns around to face him, and kisses him chastely on the lips. She looks at him through the dim light from the streetlamp that filters in through the windows and sighs.

“Stupid,” she says. But Joseph can see that she wants to give him a chance. She wants to convince herself to give him a chance. He can still win this. “You only want what you can’t have. It never changes.”

“It does. It will. It’ll be different this time.”

“How? How could it possibly be different?”

“I’ll prove it to you, Mary. I love you.”

She’s quiet for so long. Joseph hears his pulse in his ears.

_Don’t leave me._

_I’m scared._

“You’ll try?”

“Yes. Absolutely.”

Mary looks resigned. She turns away.

“Okay.”

Something lingers unsaid in the air. Joseph has a feeling he knows what it is.

She’s not agreeing with him. She’s giving up. They’re not happy together, but divorcing is too complicated. They’ve been married for 13 years. She doesn’t need to say it. He knows it, and he knows they’re both thinking it.

But he _can_ change it, and he can change that attitude by proving to her that he’ll do better. He has to change it. He can make things better. All things are possible through God. With faith the size of a mustard seed, a man can move mountains through Him. And being faithful to your wife in body and mind is hardly moving a mountain. He can do this. He has to do this. He sidles up close to her, slinging his arm over her waist and kissing the back of her neck softly, and she doesn’t pull away or tell him to get out.

He burns with shame remembering how good Todd felt in his arms last night. He burns with shame, knowing that Mary knows this. He burns with shame knowing that she used to be so incensed by his affairs that she refused to talk to him for weeks, but now she’s too drunk or tired or apathetic to bother.

He really fucked this up. He came so close to ruining it and breaking her. Not for the first time, he feels like he’s dangling by the edge of a cliff, looking over the edge at a sudden and final end to everything he cares about. He keeps ending up here, holding on with one hand, about to lose everything.

(it’s already lost. What are you saving at this point but an empty shell of something that only used to be worth having?)

But he’s been given a second (sixth) chance at this.

(she’s just tired of fighting)

And he’s going to do right by her.

(it’s too late)

It’s never too late to change things.

-

He goes to Amanda’s graduation party the next day. He swallows the guilt at the shock on Todd’s face as he tells him that he’s staying with Mary.

This is what had to happen, he tells himself.

Mary doesn’t acknowledge that any of it happened, but Joseph thinks, maybe, she’s a little less bitter towards him.

Todd doesn’t look at him anymore.

This is what had to happen.

He asks Jesus to forgive him for his sins of adultery and guide him on the path of righteousness in the future.

He prays.

He looks at his children and his parish and his wife, who lets him sleep next to her again, and he prays.

It’s a matter of will, and God makes him strong.


End file.
